The Wizard of Flaws
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: OH MY GOD! Jack has intoxicated himself into a comahallucination and the only way to get out of it is to become... BUM BUM BAAAAH!... sober... GASP!
1. And the Plot Begins

Captain Jack Sparrow smiled to himself, the alcohol-induced state of psychosis taking effect. Jack did a little dance, tripping over his feet so many times, they gave way and sent him tumbling to the ground. He laughed.

"Wouldja' look a'that: a house! I won'er why it's getting' bigg'r?" he slurred, before the house "fell" on him, knocking him out.

   

Jack woke up in a small little town; with tiny houses and colourful flowers and bushes. Little people ran around, looking at him strangely and giggling.

"THE HELL YOU STARIN' AT, SHORTY!?!?!?!"

Jack put his hands on his hips, only to discover he was not wearing his usual flamboyant man-costume, but a light blue plaid dress and his usual manly-man dreadlocks had been tightly woven into braids.

"Oh."

Suddenly, the really short people stopped snickering at him and started looking to the sky, where a large pink bubble descended from the sky. The bubble came closer and closer to Jack, and popped at his feet.

From within the bubble was his first-hand man, Mr. Gibbs, in a pink gown and headdress.

"Mr.Gibbs! I've already figr'd outta plan t'get us out'f-"

Mr. Gibbs slapped.

"Next time you hallucinate, leave me outta' it!!"

"This'z a hallucination?"

"Nooooooooooooooo…" he said, "I just _chose_ to be in a pink gown!"

"How do I get outta'it?" Jack asked.

"How should I know?" it was very fitting that Mr. Gibbs should say that, for, at that precise moment, a straw woman and a tin man ran up to Jack and kicked him. Jack sank to the ground, holding his shin.

"WHY'DJU KICK ME!?!?!?" he yelled at the two. The straw woman came up to his face and yelled:

"You were drinking AGAIN!!!"

"Elizabeth?" Jack asked. The straw woman was taken aback.

"How did you know it was me?" she asked.

"You're complaining." Elizabeth crotch-kicked him. The tin man was OBVIOUSLY trying to suppress laughter. Elizabeth crotch-kicked him.

"That won't work on me… eunuch." the tin man said. Jack was on the ground, wallowing in pain, yet still, managed to exclaim: 

"Will: than'god you're 'ere! 'ow am I supposed t'wake up?"

Elizabeth grabbed him by one of his long dreadlocks and pulled him upright.

"WHY MUST YOU KEEP 'URTING ME!!?!!?!" Jack yelled at her. She slapped him .

"Because you're an idiot. And the only way we can possibly get you to wake up is to get you sober."

At the mere utterance of THAT word, Jack ran behind Will, cowering like a little girl.

"Oh no no no no no no!! We're no' gettin' me…" Jack struggled with the word.

"… ssssssssssso-ba-ba-eeerrrrrrrrrrr…" Will looked at Elizabeth, and Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders.

"Come again?"

"Sa-sa-sooooooo-oh-ohhhhhhhhh… BAH!!" Elizabeth looked at Will.

"Don't look at me, I don't know what the hell he's saying!" Elizabeth looked into Jack's eyes.

"Do you mean 'sober'?" Jack's entire body underwent a brief spasm at the remark of that word.

"DON'T. SAY. THAT.WORD!!" Jack yelled. Elizabeth put her hands on her slut-like hips. (No, I don't know what makes them slut-like, they just ARE!!)

"Well, we're going to have to find SOMEWAY to get you sober-" Jack twitched "-STOP THAT! We're going to have to find someway to get you un-intoxicated or we may be stuck here forever!"

At that moment, a munchkin came up to Jack and tugged on his dress.

"There's a fabulous Wizard of Flaws just down that yellow brick road- he examines you for a minute and then cures whatever is wrong with you the most! Have you heard of Rosey O'Donnell?" the munchkin asked. The trio shook their heads.

"Well, she used to be interested in MEN. The Wizard cured that right up!"

They all looked at each other and nodded.

"Shall we follow the yellow brick road?" Will asked the others. Elizabeth kicked him in the shin and punched Jack in the stomach.

"WHY'DJA DO THAT!?!?!?!" the two exclaimed.

"'Cuz I'm a bitch."

And, with that, the three were on their way!

To be fuked up . . . oh, and continued.


	2. And the Plot Thickens

Is it so hard to REVIEW once in a while? NO!! it can even be a bad one, it can say: man, this story sucks, I hate you!! I don't care, just REVIEW REVIEW REIVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!! (actually, never mind, don't tell me I suck and I hope u do not hate me…)

Well, when we last left off, Jack, Elizabeth and Will were down the yellow brick road, seeking soberness for Jack to end his hallucination. Oh, and Elizabeth is a whore, and a bitch and a slut and a ho… and mean.

Elizabeth kept on screaming at her two male companions to hurry up so they could get out of the hallucination.

"We CAN'T!!" yelled Jack.

Elizabeth put her hands on her now BITCH-like hips and said, intimidating him,

"Why NOT?" Will answered for Jack.

"Because you've kicked our asses so many times it HURTS!!" Jack slouched even further.

"There's not a place in my body that's not sore!" Elizabeth grabbed both their _ears_ and tugged on them ferociously.

"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU AND COME ON: OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES TWICE AS HARD!!!"

The two obeyed and followed her, quickening their pace.

   

After a while, however, the boys' bodies began to numb and could no longer feel the unremitting sting of Elizabeth's hands, knees and feet, which was a slight relief, if not for the mild aching they still recieved. The trio then came upon a field of apple trees and, upon witnessing the gorgeous juiciness of the apples, realized they were very, very hungry. Jack groaned: he wasn't hungry… he was THIRSTY. He started to cry.

"I WAN' MY RU-U-U-U-M!!" he sank to the floor and started beating the ground with his fists. Elizabeth hit him -sigh- agaaain.

"Too bad, be thankful you get to eat apples: Will, go get some for us!" Will complied and ran up to an apple tree, about to grab an apple when suddenly- WHAM!!! THE APPLE TREE BITCH-SLAPPED HIM AND THREW HIM ONTO THE GROUND!!

"Hey, how would you like it if I came and picked something off of you?"

"Oh, 'e already 'as somethin' 'picked' off'o 'im… coughEUNUCHcough" Jack said, smiling.

"Do you EVER get tired of those jokes?"

"No."

Will glared at him while Elizabeth, steaming, confronted the talking apple tree.

"Listen, you: we are HUNGRY, and we just want some apples,comprende?"

Elizabeth kicked the tree and punched it… but nothing really happened. Instead, the tree swatted Elizabeth away, with one mighty branch as she cracked her head on the yellow brick road.

Jack and Will thrust their hands up into the air.

"Hurry for the apple tree: the wicked bitch is dead!!" The two held hands and spun around in a circle:

"DING DONG, THE BITCH IS DEAD!!"

"Which ol' bitch!?"

"THE WICKED BITCH!! DING DONG THE WICKED-" at that moment, two whales fell on top of the pair and killed them. The whales imploded. 1The End.

No, not really, of course, but they did have two wooden bats flung at them by none other than "the wicked bitch" herself.

"HOW DARE YOU SING GAILY ABOUT ME THAT WAY!!!!" she had another pair of bats ready for her to hit them with.

"I though'you were dea'!!" yelled Jack.

"How did you come back to life!?!!"

"An' where'djou get those bats!?!!" screamed Jack, backing away from the ever steaming maniac. Elizabeth pulled each by the hair and beat them to a pulp.

"I chopped down the trees AND carved them while you guys were SINGING!! I also found this."

She said, handing the mangled Jack a straw basket. Jack adjusted his dress before taking the basket.

"Wha' is ih'?" he said, his brain bleeding.

"How should I know?"

"Why're you given' ih' t'me, then?" Elizabeth slapped him across the back of his head.

"It advances the story- blame the freakin' writer!!" she said, getting struck by lightning.

Jack looked at the sky once, and then opened up the basket, where a mangy Jack the Monkey popped out of, sniffed human Jack, and ran back inside the basket. Elizabeth "awwwwwww'ed"

"Let's call him 'Jojo'!" she said. Will looked at her.

"But his name is 'Jack'." He said. Once again, he was kicked in the shin.

"DOES _JACK_ RHYME WITH, TOTO? HUH!?" Will shook his head.

"I didn't think so."

And with that, Elizabeth, Will, Jack and "Jojo" were on their way down the yellow brick road. Along the way, however, they came across a VERY dark forest, one that blocked out all other sunlight with its abundance of trees:

"HOLD ME, JACK, I'M SCARED!!" it was ironic Elizabeth should say that for, as soon as they came to a fork in the road, they met a sobbing octopus man, sitting on a log.

"DAVY JONES!!!" Jack thrust Elizabeth in front of him and pushed her toward the man.

"SIC 'IM, GIRL!!" he said, pointing at Davy.

"I. AM. NOT. A DOG!!!" she said, crotch kicking him a second time. She muttered to herself "You have no idea how much you violate my emotions.", kicking him again. She slowly walked over to Davy Jones.

"Hey, what's wrong, big guy?"

Davy Jones looked at her with deep, brooding eyes:

"You wanna' know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong-" he took a DEEP breath "Well, the only woman I **ever **loved abandoned me and caused me to tear out my own heart and put it in a chest that I can actually only GET to once in every ten years and I'm stuck on some old dirty ship leading a band of ungrateful fish-men and a giant octopus: not to mention, a blacksmith, an annoying bitch, and a seemingly drunken, bisexual pirate, currently in a light blue dress, is going to ruin my life and completely destroy me, causing me to wallow in my own self- depression for eternity... oh! AND I'M A SQUID!" Elizabeth looked back at Jack and Will.

Jack was STILL on the ground moaning with pain(that last crotch-kick REALLY stung) and Will was almost waiting for her to hit him. Elizabeth looked back at the depressed pirate and asked:

"Do you want to come with us and see the wizard? Maybe he can make your life better!"

Jack and Will ran into the forest, picked up a mochacino from Starbucks, ran back to Elizabeth and Davy, waited for it to cool down, put whip cream on it and sugar, drank it simultaneously and spit it out.

"WHAT!?!!!!" they both yelled.

"'E CAN'T COME WIT' US- 'E'S-" Jack was interrupted by the growling Elizabeth, who had unsheathed a dagger she had hidden on her person… apparently.

"On second thought- that's a lovely idea!" said Will, smiling gaily, cupping his hand over Jack's mouth.

"That's what I thought." Elizabeth said, once again, glaring at the two. "That's what I thought."

Author's note: I know, it ended abruptly… once again, it shall be continued… would you look at that? My foot fell asleep… wow, I hate it when this happens…


	3. And the Plot Gets SERIOUSLY pointless

Author's Note: PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU: REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!!!! IF YOU HAVE ANY DECENCY LEFT INSIDE YOUR BODY, REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!!!! Oh, and my friend read my stories and thought Jack's speech was to hard to understand, so I'm debating with myself whether or not I SHOULD HAVE SUBTITLES FOR JACK, those who review TELL ME IF I SHOULD KEEP THEM OR NOT.

Davy Jones rolled his eyes.

"Sure, whatever, I'll go with you: what do I have to lose?"

"Your eyes, via Elizabeth…" Will said, once again being reduced to hobbling on one foot due to the severe shin-kicking he received.

Davy got up from his log, still feeling sorry for himself, and walked hunched over; his arms dangling toward to the ground.

Jack kept a close eye on the squid-man, should he try to "pull" anything leading indirectly and/or straightforwardly to his ultimate demise. The quartet resumed walking down the yellow brick road until the clearing of the dark forest came.

They all faced a tremendous field of newly sprouting leaves leading to an even larger green city. The city was soooo green, we'll call it… the Chartreuse city. (Hey, do you want Wizard of Oz lawyers on your ass? Didn't think so…)

Elizabeth was struck with an unremitting surge of awe.

Davy Jones was examining the plants closer.

"I warn ye: we'll have to find a way to go 'round this- it's completely made of Toxicodendron radicans -"

"An' wha' may tha'be, pray tehw?" asked Jack. At that moment, Elizabeth ran straight out into the field, flailing her hands around like a madman.

"LOOK AT THE CITY: IT'S _SOOOOOOO_ SHINY!!!!! I LIKE SHINY!!!!" she yelled.

"That would be poison ivy." answered Davy Jones. Elizabeth got only a few dozen yards into the field as she broke out vigorously scratching her legs and fell to the ground: paralyzed with her incessant scratching. The three sighed.

"I'guez we're gonna' 'ave t'ge' 'er, eh?" All the men sighed.

"Yea… I guess we will…" said Davy, about to step into the field.

"God… I'm getting to old for this." Will stopped him.

"This is just an idea but…" Will did not look at Davy or Jack, but at the sky:

"maybe… we DON'T have to save her…she'll get out… eventually." The two stared at him.

"Y'know,y'r probably t'greates' 'usban' 'at ever lived." Jack said to Will, smiling. "Ver'faithfuw."

"Oh, come on, it's either this or have sex with her!" Will protested. Davy joined in on the conversation.

"You know, when you get married to someone you don't automatically HAVE to have sex with them." He said.

Will shivered and held himself.

"You obviously don't know Elizabeth…she's aggressive" Will bit his lip to make it stop quivering as the two other pirates shuttered.

For another ten minutes, Will described his marital problems with Davy and Jack, many times bursting into tears after proclaiming "She never talks to me anymore!" or "We ALWAYS argue over her driving!!" Davy and Jack comforted their distraught friend while, in the background, threats from Elizabeth were being released into the air.

Then, Jack got an idea:

"We shou' fin'a way t'get t'the Chartreuse city!" he said. Seconds later, genius struck again.

"We shou' fin'a way t'get pass t'fiewd!" And then, another spout of intelligence:

"We shou' fin'a way tha' makes sure we don'get poisoned!"

And, to sum it all up, a stroke of sheer brainpower:

"We shoul' go 'round 'ih!" This was a VERY productive day for Jack.

And so, Jack, Davy, and Will, still ignoring the shrieks of Elizabeth (who was probably dying by now…) ran around the field and then fell down for no apparent reason.

"Damn, I'm tired!!" said Will: their reason for falling was now apparent.

The three took a breather for a few minutes, drank some herbal tea, picked flowers, read "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", ate cookies, joined a book club, discussed "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" in the book club, appeared on "The Late Show" with David Letterman, punched Brendan Frasier in the nose, taught Davy Jones how to do the Electric Slide, went to see a psychiatrist in a group therapy session for anger management issues, gave the finger to a walrus at the Lincoln Park zoo (Chicago! Kinda…), got arrested for giving the finger to a walrus at Lincoln Park zoo, got slapped by a walrus, saw Bigfoot, went to an Irish pub, went to an English pub, got arrested for trying to kill Al Gore (Davy had A liiiiiitle too much to drinkat that pub),went to an animé convention, met Rumiko Takahashi, was shocked to see Geoffrey Rush at the animé convention, stared at the moon, adopted a kitty, accidentally mistook Elijah Wood for Kermit the Frog, bought some reeeeeeeeeally expensive chocolate, stepped on some random guy's foot, became honorary "Swedes for a Day", got kicked out of Sweden for no apparent reason and sent back to the gates of the Chartreuse city… all in only a couple of minutes.

"What the hell was that!?" asked Will, dazed by the experience. Jack was too dazed at the incident to answer. Davy was staring into the field while Will tried to get his attention.

"Heellooooooo?" he waved his hand in front of the pirate's face. "Whatcha' lookin' at?" Davy stared into the field as Will turned his head toward the meadow of poison ivy.

"Oh god." He said. Off in the distance was the figure of a woman: scratching herself furiously, a reddened hue to her skin. The woman figure was becoming increasingly closer and the three men stared into the eyes of death.

They all looked at the Chartreuse city: if they ran now, perhaps they could make it to the city. But, instead, they looked into their demise, to petrified to move. Will muttered something underneath his breath:

"Elizabeth…"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: tune in next time for the series finale of THE WIZARD OF FLAWS!!! (The next one will take longer since I have thre other stories to do before I work on that one…)


	4. And the Plot Gets Stupid and Ends

AUTHOR'S NOTE: this one is the longest -AND LAST :( - chapter in the 4- part series. Thanks to all who read and reviewed!! ESPECIALLY TO ALL WHO REVIEWED!!! YOU ALLLLLLLL ROCK!!!!

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"OH, MY FUCKIN' GOD!!!!! IT'S ELIZABETH!!!" all three men screamed to their mother's, and tried to run away, only to trip on their feet. They then pulled themselves along the ground, the pitiful creatures the were, in a last ditch attempt to get away. Jack the Monkey- or "Jojo" ran away into the field, rather braving the poison ivy than Elziabeth.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!" yelled Elizabeth, grabbing each one of their ankles and pulling them back. Each man was on their knees, wrapping themselves around her ankles.

"Pleeeeeeeease, Ahlizab'th!! DON' CROTCH KICK M'AGAIN!!!" yelled Jack. The three males knew it was hopeless: she would kill them all, no matter how much they tried to talk her out of it. She grabbed each man individually by their hair (except for Davy, in which she used his tentacles) and pulled them up to meet her eye level.

They all stood facing her. Jack insisted upon sitting down upon the ground, holding his legs as close to his body as he could.

"JACK SPARROW: GET UP RIGHT NOW OR I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

she yelled into his face. Davy and Will held each other. '

"NO!! You're gonna' kick me where y'always do!!" he yelled, fear mounting in his eyes.

"WHATEVER!!!!" she yelled, turning to Davy and Will, who shuddered when she put her gaze on them. She mumbled, "I'll just save you for last."

Her reign of terror started with Will: whom she held in a half nelson and then threw him to the ground, until he said "Uncle" thirty-six times. She then went on to Davy, whom she nearly choked with his own tentacles.

It was Jack's turn.

"Get up." Jack shook his head, h8is eyes glued shut, his lip quivering.

"If you get up NOW I won't kick in the crotch." Jack shook his head again.

"LIES!!!! ALL LIES!!!!!!!" he yelled.

"Why you little-!!" Elizabeth grabbed his dreadlocks and pulled, Jack's girlish-screams echoing throughout the sky. They ere engaged in a tug-of-war: but, Will knew something that Elizabeth didn't: Jack loved his… "reproductive system"… and was NOT going to get up… hopefully, Elizabeth would just beat him on the ground before-

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP!!!!!!

…all screaming from Jack and Elizabeth ceased. There, in a Elizabeth's hands: two long dreadlocks fell limply to the ground. Two round patches of scalp remained where Jack's hair should have been.

"Jack-I- I'm-" Jack stood up, holding out his hand. His face had never been more serious in his life. He turned to Will and Davy, their eyes wide-opened.

"Are thoz m'dreadluhks?" Jack asked them. The two nodded.

"An' 'oo puwed them ou'?" They pointed at Elizabeth. Jack nodded.

"Oh… 'at's wha' I thought…" he said. All of a sudden, he leapt on top of Elizabeth, pushing her to the ground, and pulled out his sword.

"YOU BITCH!!!!!!!" he yelled, raising the sword. "I SHOULD'VE DONE'IS A LOOOOOONG TIME AGO!!!"

"JACK- NOOOOOO!!!" yelled Will, running over to him. It was too late: Jack thrust his sword down. Davy Jones gasped. Elizabeth's hair had been trimmed dreadfully short: uneven and ugly.

"There:" Jack said, putting away his sword "Y'r 'airstyle matches y'r masculinity." Elizabeth gathered up her hair, staring at the lifeless strands. Will leaned over to Jack.

"Jack- before you die, I just want you to know I've always had a man-crush on you." While Elizabeth grabbed Jack by yet another pair of dreadlocks, Jack said:

"I KNEW IT!!" Elizabeth did not speak, she just pulled Jack towards the gates of the city.

"Let's just get to the Wizard…"

"Wait, you're not going to kill him?" Will asked. Elizabeth shook her head.

"If we kill him, we run the chance of being trapped in here…" Jack steered clear of Will for a little while.

"You do realize I was just joking? With the man-crush thing?"

Jack fake-laughed.

"Yeah…" Jack never let Will TOO close to him after that.

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When in the Chartreuse City, the four were greeted by an entourage of people wearing Chartreuse, who eagerly followed them around, asking the foreigners questions.

"Why are you a squid?"

"Are you a man or a woman?"

"Are you a transvestite?"

"Did you know you look like Legolas?"

"Who?" asked Will. Elizabeth got fed up with all the questions.

"WE JUST WANNA' GO SEE THE WIZARD!!" everyone gave approving whispers.

"The Wizard!? Well, why didn't you just say so?!" the Chartreuse citizens led the four to a rather large Chartreuse temple, with HUGE doors that had to be open with five men each!

Inside the building was a large, dimly lit passageway that seemed to lead to nowh1ere. The four were pushed inside and cheered on, as they walked down the hallway.

"HURRY!! CLOSE THE DOORS BEFORE THEY CHANGE THEIR MINDS!!!" the giant doors slammed behind them, and the dimly-lit hallway seemed even more dimly lit.

"Who dare dee-sterb Tia Dalma?!" said a booming voice from the darkness of the hallway.

"TIA!!!" yelled Jack, breaking into a run, a smile on his face. Elizabeth sighed.

"Oh great, ANOTHER person that speaks weirdly." All the lights turned on in the hallway, which led to a large room, with Tia Dalma sitting on a massive Chartreuse throne.

"Ah, Jack Sperra'… I knew'd ya' be cohmin' fa' me." she said, her arms outstretched. Jack ran into them like a child to its grandmother.

"Tia! Ah-mizz'd y'sooo much!!" Tia Dalma patted him on the back.

"'Ow's my lil' Jack? Why he be wearin' a dress?" Jack looked down at his cute blue dress and shrugged.

"Same reaso'I got m'scara on: woke up one day an' I liked'ow I' looked." Tia nodded.

"I s'pose ye be wantin' t'get back home."

"FINALLY!" Elizabeth yelled. Tia Dalma glared at her.

"Aren't ye the bitch who cost Jack him life?" she asked her, turning around and opening the curtain that was on the back wall. It unveiled a large room, which revealed an exact replica of her house in the swamp. The four followed her.

Elizabeth ignored that remark, for she didn't want to anger the only person who could get her out of this.

Tia Dalma rummaged around a chest until she finally pulled out a stack of clothes.

"Before I be fixen' Jack, I be fixen' all'ya." She said, walking up to Elizabeth.

"Ye find pleas-ah in uder people's pain… ye like bein' a pirade pirate… ye don' wanna' be a woman deep down… ye wanna' be a man… pud on dese clothes… and ye become a man…" Tia Dalma handed her some men's clothing, as Elizabeth started to cry.

"You read me like a book! THANK YOU!!!" she hugged Tia Dalma and gave her the back-pat that men gave other people after hugging them.

While Elizabeth was changing in the back, Tia came over to Davy Jones.

"Any man woul' be peessed if dey be half-squid… ye jus' need t'be man." Tia Dalma rummaged through another trunk and gave him a small purple vial.

"Drink it up… an' ye be a man." Davy Jones gave Tia a HUGE hug and drank the entire vial, in one big gulp. Davy Jones exploded, only for the dust to clear and a man with big hands and a long beard stood where Davy used to be.

"I'M A REAL MAN!!" yelled Davy Jones, running around, and picking up tings, with his NEW opposable thumbs! She came up to Will.

"I don't think you can TRULY give me what I want…" Will said, glancing at Jack.

"Dat be true…but wha' I can do 'is make you be sooo sexy, ye can get ANYbody ye want… man or woman." Will perked up.

"You can do that!?" he said, excited. Tia Dalma nodded, handing him a strange looking cracker. Will ate it as quick as he could. His face then seemed to melt off his head… then reform into another face: sharp cheekbones, pursed lips, dark chocolate eyes.

"MAN!! YOU ARE SEXY!!!" said Davy Jones. Tia Dalma handed him a mirror.

"I am!! I'm gorgeous!!"

"Dat's 'cuz ye be Johnny Depp."

"Now, dat's jus' weird…" said Jack, who was targeted next by Tia Dalma.

"Jack- don' ye realize? Ye be havin' the power t'wake up all dis time!"

"Wha' r'lly?" he asked. Tia put her hand on his shoulder, walking around with him.

"Ye be doubtin' rum… y'r fav'rite alcohol in de werld… if ye be treatin' rum good… rum be treatin' YE good." Jack's face lighted up.

"Y'mean auw I 'ave t'do is b'lieve in rum!?" he asked, as Tia nodded.

"All ye be needin' t'do his close y'r eyes-" Jack shut his eyes, smiling. "-stagger drunkenly three times-" Jack complied. "-an' say 'Dere's no drink li' rum.'"

"There's no drink li'rum… there's no drink li'rum… there's no drink li-rum." Said Jack, as a surge of pleasure and happiness passed over him. When he opened his eyes, he was on Tia Dalma's floor, Mr. Gibbs, Elizabeth, Will, and Jack the monkey staring at him.

"Tia! Mr. Gibbs! Wiw! Jack!" Jack cried.

"Hey, what about me!?" yelled Elizabeth.

"Wha' 'bout you?" asked Jack, glaring at her. When he realized Elizabeth had all her hair back, he ran to a mirror: his hair was all there.

"WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he ran around and hugged everybody (except for Elizabeth) and said:

"May'sure I ALWAYS stay drun', guys!!" Jack smiled as wide as he could.

"Why?" asked Mr. Gibbs, who coincidently was holding a bottle of rum. He ran up to Mr.Gibbs and hugged him, taking the bottle, breaking the top, and drowning his mouth in it.

"B'cause, Mr. Gibbs: There's no drink li-rum!!!"

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AUTHOPR'S NOTE: Philadelphia Freedom took me knee-high to a man! It's fun to write in Tia Dalma-ese. (oh, the first sentence is a song from an Elton John song I listened to, like, throaty times in a row, while writing this.) ELTON!!!! I loooooooooooove Jack Sparrow: sexy man!!!


End file.
